Catapult Blog

We don’t use this blog much any more (follow us @catapultdigital.com) but wanted somewhere to post this great letter that landed in our inbox

Rt Hon David  Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for  Environment,
Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel  House

17 Smith Square

London 

SW1P 3JR  


16 July  2009




Dear Secretary of State,  



My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently  received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency  for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the “not  rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the  best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best  breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this  endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated  by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. 

I  would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the  type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear  porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds  such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too  many people already not rearing these? 

As I see it,  the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate  record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any  Government or Local Authority courses on this? 

My  friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been  rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made  on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he  received a cheque for not rearing any. 

If I get £3,000  for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing  100?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first,  holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will  mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more  expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious,  perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my  second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from  your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible  to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not  producing harmful and polluting methane gases? 

Another  point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000  tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for  not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing  cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear? 

I am  also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please  send any information you have on that too. Please could you  also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can  this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of  which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? 

In  view of the above you will realise that I will be totally  unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment  benefits.  I shall of course be voting for your party at  the next general election. 
 



Yours faithfully,  
 

 
Nigel Johnson-Hill